Hello there REL coaches who survived the Devistaional and Greenhorn. After a grueling, heartbreaking, and team imploding Playoffs we are set and ready to kick off our biggest (and maybe deadliest) season yet. There is a lot of teams to look through but doing every team is just too much even for me (There are 228 teams in REL and I can’t write about each and every one) so I will be covering 3 teams from Divs 1-5 so we can get an advanced look at all the carnage that is about to explode onto the field. Sorry if I don’t cover your teams today coaches, you will all get a shot when NPoW picks up into weekly rotation. Cheers and let the good Dice roll!

REL 1 is still stacked with the survivors of the best.

Pastry Pests - Luminous - TV 1460

These multi-seasonal Rat Bois are back.. Again. These Ratties are coming off a loss from Ready Lizard One in the ReBBL Playoffs and they are looking a little worse for the wear. This is probably the lowest I have seen this teams TV in the last six season. Gutter Runner Choco Chipmunk (Block, Side Step, +St, Sure Hands, Two Heads, Fend) remains the player to look out for with a total 5700 yards rushing (thats a lot)! I expect to see a huge comeback with Lummy and the Pests. I don’t for a second doubt that they will make the playoffs, yet again.

Straight Up Flatulence - Stoobings - TV 2110

Stoobs is another former Playoff contender coming in from REL Div 2. These stinky dudes have been tearing it up all the way into the playoffs before losing to Tribu Urbana. SFU is one of the healthiest Chaos teams still standing from the Nurgling that was Season 8 Playoffs. Watch out for Beastman, Great Brown Cloud (Mighty Blow, Claw, Block, Tackle, Pile On, Juggernaut) because he will be taking names and busting ass all over Div 1. Stoobs is a shoe in for the 4 playoff spots in Div 1 as long as he can keep his team together.

Necronomics - Horney Cricket - TV 1910

These Necromantic number crunchers are still going strong after a failed repeat at ReBBowl glory. But don’t let that fool you. The Necronomics are still as strong as anyone in Div 1. If you have to take the field against these nightmares, watch out for Werewolf, HateMyHair (Block, Mighty Blow, Pile On, Tackle, Jump Up, Pro, niggle) who combed up a nice streak of Casualties (96) and several Kills (8). These terrors will be tearing up REL Div 1 with both paws as they go forward.

REL 2 is still looking strong after dropping several coaches to team death.

Drakwald Daylaborers - Monaker - TV 1800

One of the few remaining Human teams left in REL that haven’t been forced into retirement, the Daylaborers are looking a little worse for the wear. Star Ogre Mogg the Mule will be sitting out the first game due to a -Ag (who needs a ball handling Ogre anyways) leaving his team short in the opening game. Moniker’s other star players, Blitzers Harold the Hacksaw (Dodge, +Ag, Guard, +Ag, +Mv) and Benedict Arnold (Mighty Blow, Tackle, Pro, +Ag, Guard) will need to pick up the slack going forward. Star Catcher Sid the Shovel (Wrestle, +St, +Ag, Strip Ball, Tackle) will be another player Moniker will need to utilize to keep the Humans alive and winning in REL Div 2’s bashfest.

Nurgle FTD’s - Highlord Salt - TV 1890

Nurgle FTD’s (Fistually Tranmitted Diseases) has been a staple team in the Div 2 experience. These hard hitting, rash causing, infectious vectors have been punching it out with the best of them. Highlord Salt has to have Playoff aspirations due to him just missing out in Season 8. Will Season 9 be the time for Nurgle to shine in Div 2? Nurgle Warrior Lord Herpestus (Mighty Blow, Block, Claw, Guard) will be leading the FTD’s into the season in hopes that claws and Pestigor, Wort-tigor (Sure Hands, Dodge, Block, Two Heads, +Ag) will carry them into playoff contention.

Ace Trucking Co. - Qix96 - TV 1870

Ace may not be among the living but Ace Turcking Co. is still going strong. These Chorf carriers will be one of the teams to keep an eye on. While the Chaos Dwarf Blockers are nothing to shake a stick at, the real players of this team are the Bull Centaur duo Secretariat (Block, Frenzy, Mighty Blow, Stand Firm) and Citation (Block, Break Tackle, Strip Ball, +Ag, Niggle) who will be carrying (literally) the teams hopes and dreams of making it to the playoffs in Season 9. Qix96 played one hell of a season last time and come up just short of the envied playoff contention.

REL 3, where Bash vs Bash collide

Cheesetactics Mk.II - Stratigiccheese - TV 2040

Cheese had a rough last season, at least up to when he retired Communist Frat Party in the last game of the season (RIP Stalin and Marx). But will being relegated to Div 3 be what these Orcs need to come back to the forefront? The real hitting power comes from double trouble Blitzer duo Canadian Chedder (+Mv, Mighty Blow, Tackle, Pile On, Pro, Juggernaut) and Guyere (Mighty Blow, Tackle, Pile On, Pro, Juggernaut, -Mv) who Stratigiccheese will need to make a dent in the competition.

Khamun Konsulting - Daerkannon - TV 1920

Possibly the second strongest Khemri team (behind Gangar) in all of ReBBL, the mummified consultants will be making a mark on Div 3 with some amazing development and jumping up four division without a wink. They will be the dark horses of Div 3 for sure and will be sure to downsize your high TV teams for free! Consultant of the Season award goes to Thro-Ra Phenfe Senut (Block, Kick-Off Return, Dodge, Hail Mary Pass) who racked up a huge 928 career rushing yard and a meager 6 passing yard.

The Farm Animals - Chabxxu - TV 1800

Break out your Senior year English books, it’s about to get Orwellian. These mad cows made it all the way to the second round of Season 8 Playoffs and they could have gone father if they didn’t run head first into the Necronomics. Top dog on this squad of petting zoo rejects is Beastman, The Dog (Sure Hands, Block, Dodge, Two Heads, Extra Arms) who has bolted his way to 1380 yards rushing! I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks!

 

REL 4, or Where I almost went to Playoffs

Thick, Rich, and Creamy - JimmyBurrito - TV 1750

The old Nemesis, JimmyBurrito returns to REL 4 were he made a name for himself killing off all the Av8 players. TRC is one solid Necro team sporting 2 healthy wolves and it looks like he is on the run from the IRS for Golem Tax evasion. Players to watch here is the Werewolf, Moon Moon (Dodge, Block, Tackle, +Ma, +St) and Golem Havarti Makes you Farty (Block, Dodge, Guard, Mighty Blow). They only thing this team needs is a POMB wolf to get the SPP cascading all over him like a warm cheese fondue.

Cantakerous Cretaceans - Bussunda - TV 1550

Life… uh… Finds a way. A way to get +St Skinks at least. These Lizzies are well on their way to having the best tiny terrors this side of REL 1. Skink Beer Head (+St, Block, Side Step, Niggle) is looking like one hell of a ball carrier and Iggy Iguanodon (+St) is just a double away from joining him. Either way you look at it, these skinks mean business. Other than a niggled Krox who will miss the first game of the season, I think this is a sold team that is ready to get in the REL 4 mix.

Things Dwarfs Hate - TimNeilson - TV 2010

The dreaded Dwarf team, except this one is all passive aggressive about things that they don’t like. I get you, you guys are short and angry! Don’t bite off my knee caps about it. They say nothing is taller than the last man standing, unless you are a dwarf stacking bodies like Blitzer Strength Injuries (+St, Mighty Blow, Jump Up) who is just one skill away from having the perfect skills for the blitz. As much as I don’t like tiny bearded men who talk with a pseudo-Scottish accent, they do what Dwarfs do best. Wait for the other team to die before running in the ball.

REL 5, I know it’s an arbitrary cutoff but we all have boundaries

Nightmare on Elf Street - Sunhawk - TV 1740

I see Sunhawk is still at it with the Dark Elfs and it seems to be paying off. While he didn’t have the greatest season last time, he did get some decent skills on some serious Blitzers. Gregor Clegane (+Ag, Leap, Dodge, Tackle, +St) has gone from being a Mountain to an Avalanche that only hits ball carriers. Witch Elf Jadis the White Witch (Juggernaut, Strip Ball, Leap) follows in the Mountains footsteps as a secondary ball hawk. There is no place safe for the ball except for the hands of the Nightmares. They still needs some development on most of the other players but all in all, this is looking nice.

Big Green Weenies - Havokk - TV 1820

Drop your socks and grab your… beverages, boys! This is a mobile sausage party with murder on it’s mind. These green units are looking thick with skills with the development were it counts. Blitzers Ramburgler (Mighty Blow, Pile On, Tackle, Frenzy, Dauntless) and Slim Reaper (Mighty Blow, Tackle, Pile On, Pro) are looking to get crazy and hip thrust the competition into hip dysplasia. If there is one thing that makes me nervous, it’s Orcs in Banana Hammocks. Just make sure to wear protection if you find yourself on the field with these Nobs.

Rottingham Rockers - Spirit Crusher - TV 1750

I have been to some unsanitary Rock concerts in my day but this one takes the cake and does horrible, unmentionable things to it in the Green Room. This crotch rotten Rockers are ready to take the show on the road and show the other teams what happens when they step into the pit. Top billing goes to Nurgle Warrior Phlegmy Kilmister (Block, Mighty Blow, Guard, Dodge) who will be doing lines off of the bodies in the CAS box while Pestigor Shreddy Mercury (Mighty Blow, Claw, Block, Tackle) will be letting his inner Killer Queen come out all over the other players. All in all, for those about to Throw Rocks, we salute you.

I know it wasn’t short or sweet, but there she it. These are not my picks for who will do well in the upcoming season. I just wanted to point out some of the teams and players that I want to watch as they grow and blossom into a beautiful, murder flower for our enjoyment. That’s all from me ladies and gents. GG WP and have a great Season 9!

- Nocternal

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