Sadly it seams I started this one and forgot to publish it. Here was the week 12 HORRORSCOPE.
Check your notes and see if it was close?
All REL – With the great Northern Winds blowing in, maybe you should stay in and play a 2nd game of Blood Bowl. Have you considered any of the Side Leagues?
All GMAN – We here at the Horrorscope Offices have a sense of dread for you. Perhaps you should hire a Cheerleader to life your spirits.
All BIGO – Future Hazy, please live out week and ask again later.
AMAZONS – Hello Ladies and welcome to the Home Stretch! By this time, you should have learned the best way to manage your movement, built a killer or 2, created a designated fouler, and learned that BLODGE amounts to nothing. So all in all, we have nothing left to tell you.
Maybe google a nice Soup Recipe?
BRETONNIAN – Greetings Mi'Lords. By this time you should have learned that Peasants are worthless and live only to die and stomp. Knights are difficult Divas, and that the Blockers are weird. We have nothing left to tell you. Maybe google your nearest Medieval Times Restaurant?
CHAOS – Greetings Mutants. By this time you should have at least 1 Beastman with CLAW POMB and created memories involving destroying other people's players. Good On you. The only thing we would say is that the Minotaur is a FUN piece, not a winning piece. Give it a thought.
CHAOS DWARVES – Greetings you Sooty Souls. Welcome to week 12 of the Chorfining. What is it like to be the 2nd most hated race in Blood Bowl? I am sure your loses are nothing compared to the loses you have inflicted. Perhaps it is time to purchase a Coach or Cheerleader as well. Robbing the other team of those random dice bonuses is the spit on top of the cake.
DARK ELVES – Greetings Druchii. Welcome to Week 12! Are any of your positional still healthy?
With a record of 4 - 0 - 6 at the time of writing this (2 of my wins being Admin Games) I am sure I am not the best person to advise you. Be on the lookout in the Market as old Dark Elf teams fold and sell off their stars.
DWARVES – Greetings NOT Sons of Durin. Welcome to Week 12, I understand it took you twice as long to walk here and that is ok. By now your team should be full of Mighty Blow and Guard. I am sure you are dreaded by all but the sickest Claw teams. Have you considered firing the 2nd runner, really... what does he do?
ELVEN UNION – Greetings Potpourri Elves! How are your last 4 Non-Loaner-Elves doing? Have you considered actually hiring a loaner that earns more than 3 spp in the game? That could be your next star?!
GOBLINS – Greetings you Cheating little monsters. I am sure you have gotten away with 89.75% of your fouls and funneled at least 4.5 million gold into the hands of your brothers the Refs. In fact, Who cares if you win or lose as long as you get to chainsaw someone else!
You got this!
HALFLINGS – Greetings you Tiny Bottomless Pits! Look to be honest, I have never coached your team before and I have no idea what you are supposed to do except pray that the trees move, the halflings land, and that your Injuries are minimal. Nuffle knows your Armor won’t hold. So good luck.
HIGH ELVES – Greetings Asur! How is that Armor holding up? By this time you should have been able to scrape enough gold to get all your catchers. Did you remember to spread the SPP around so each elf had a very specific job? That way when they are MNG you have a giant gaping hole in your team held loosely by a Loaner Linelef?
HUMANS – Greetings Mortals! Spin the Wheel, Make a Deal. By this time you should have learned that your catchers are crazy fast, your blitzers are capable of greatness, and the rest of the team is sketchy at best. I would advise more Linemen.
KHEMRI – Greetings Ancient Kings! Good Morning, the Stars say Hello!
If your Tomb Guardians are not on their way to being the Pillars of a Cage or Slowly Moving Death Machines…. I am not sure what you will be doing. Recycle Skeletons until you get an AGI up?
KISLEV CIRCUS – Leap on Little Leapers. How many tricks does one team need? I suppose you have at least 4 rerolls? Maybe it is time to get some fundamentals and bring the thunder.
I mean, its not like the opponent can stop you. Only dice.
LIZARDMEN – Greetings Cold-Ones! Like the ancient empires you have stood the test of time. Well your Skinks probably have not. If your Saurus are not Block Filled Beasts of Destruction, perhaps you might wish to take a second look at your leveling skills?
NECROMANTIC – Greetings Werewolves. How does it feel to be such an amazing player that people pick this team, just to play with 2 of you. That is less than 1/5th of the team!
By now you may have learned that without Mighty Blow, Claw is not as great as you once thought. Have you considered a Strong Arm Wight who could throw to rapid moving Werewolves?
NORSE – Greetings Scantily Clad Dudes! I mean really, what is there to say. You start with Block and No Armor. The fact you don’t trip off the Team Stage Coach and break your neck or sit on the bench and get a splinter that causes Septic Shock… Is a miracle.
NURGLE – Greetings Gross Ones! Did you know that other players on your team can have Disturbing Presence? If you can stop people from passing and handing the ball off, it does not matter if you remove them or not? Right?
WOOD ELVES –